—Warren Kansas August, 2018
Pastor Pundit Lemon is beside himself angry with the Methodist church.
Pastor Lemon is hurt, crushed and even cried.
“All this fuss about gay this and that—what about me? What about us?”
Dr. Lemon is all about love, and lots of it. He now has two mistresses besides his wife and has come out of his closet swinging. (both kinds)
He doesn’t understand why he can’t have more than one woman at a time and still be the pastor. In fact, he plans to be a resident, presiding Bishop as soon as possible.
He shouted to the rooftops,
“When I am Bishop, all our male pastors, female too if they want, trans too if they want, will be able to finally come out of their closet and proclaim their freedom in Christ to live, love and care for all their mates as Christ would.”
Dr. Pundit Lemon is a brilliant, renowned theologian who has written many books and has many degrees—One of the more brilliant Lemons out there. He comments,
“When Jesus spoke of committing adultery, he was trying to teach the Jews a lesson about male chauvinism and when we calculate the reality that time changes people and theology, we must consider that things we once believed to be “wrong” and sinful, like homosexuality, polygamy and adultery, can now be made distinctly holy. In theological speak, we call this “Consequent Absolute Uncertainty”. It allows for social culture to determine right and wrong, not an ancient book riddled with errors.”
He continues to ask the board of Bishops not to stop at homosexual behavior and Same Sex Marriage.
“Don’t just proclaim freedom to those who behave homosexually. Grant the same rights and privileges to us as well. We are tired of being called adulterers and polygamists. Don’t stop now. We outnumber the acting gay community by the millions. Let the Book of Discipline reflect praise and support for all who must face sexual prejudice and hurtful speech. If the Episcopalians, Presbyterians and Church of Christ did it, why can’t we? Why must we endure your hateful bigotry and suffer any longer?”
IT LOOKS GRIM FOR LEMON AND THOSE LIKE HIM
At present, he has received very little support from his wife, children, female pastors and the local Bishop. A survey of the parishioners reveals that they would support him if only his behavior was homosexual, but not as “a filthy polygamist adulterer”. One member remarked, “We really got ourselves a real pundit lemon with this one.”
Pastor Lemon, along with thousands of others, has joined the wonderful organization, “Men for More.” Read more about this great movement and join us if you will. Don’t become soured–Support Pastor Lemon!
5 You must teach people to have genuine love, as well as a good conscience and true faith. 6 There are some who have given up these for nothing but empty talk. 7 They want to be teachers of the Law of Moses. But they don’t know what they are talking about, even though they think they do.
8 We know that the Law is good, if it is used in the right way. 9 We also understand that it wasn’t given to control people who please God, but to control lawbreakers, criminals, godless people, and sinners. It is for wicked and evil people, and for murderers, who would even kill their own parents. 10
The Law was written for people who are sexual perverts or who live as homosexuals or are kidnappers or liars or won’t tell the truth in court. It is for anything else that opposes the correct teaching 11 of the good news that the glorious and wonderful God has given me.”
I Timothy 1:5-11