9-18–Mandoom, Illinois
Now please help me give a warm DJ ready welcome to our new position.
PASTOR OF PRAISE JOCKEY
The Praise Me Band movement that took over the Evangelical church appears to be in trouble. The Praise Me Jockey is now in strong favor with progressive church leadership. According to mega-church pastor Ima Sumthinelse, these are a few reasons why:
1-Can you say “Success”? We feel like this (we did our study) is the absolute directive for the emerging money markets and progressive church.
2-Can you say “Image”? We have grown tired of the fights and tights. I know it is expected to have ego issues with Praise Me Bands but we want no more of the jealous bickering and wardrobe competitions. The Praise Jockey only needs to manage one ego and since he is behind his set-up, he or she (transgender is pre-approved) can wear shorts if he/she/ze/xi needs to.
3-Can you say “Tardy”? We have threatened, lectured, sermonized and begged. I guess when these players gig till past midnight in the local bars on Saturday night it is too much to ask of them to be on time for worship of a holy, on-time God. We never claimed they were supposed to be examples for our kids. They are “professionals” who must keep up their worldly image and make a few tax-sheltered cash dollars as they can.
Please teach your children to look to Mr. Rogers, Word-Girl or Ariana Grande if they need a role model. This is not our job as church staffers.
Important Note: If our new Praise Jockey is late from too much partying on Saturday night, he/she/ze/xi has an auto-play function that he/she/ze/xi engage until he/she/ze/xi arrives in person.
4- Can you say “Money”? Now don’t go tryin to be all sanctimonious. Money is very important to our adventure. When we discovered how much money Hillsong, Hinn, Copeland and Osteen rake in each week, we knew that this would be God’s will for us too. (can you say Mega?) Imagine the savings we will have going from 9 ego-starved “musicians” on payroll to only one non-musician Disc Jockey.
5-Can you say “Time”? No more rehearsals to miss. Nuff-said.
6-Can you say “Gear”? That’s correct. The thing we will miss the least when our Praise Me Band goes away is the gear hype. If I must hear one more word about the latest guitar-pedal board combination, drum head, in ear monitor, smoke machine, reverb pan, cool microphone, or digital anything… I promise you—I will begin preaching biblical sermons in expository fashion, without my tight shirts, worn jeans and designer-spec shoes and funky hair style. (tired of having to put all that gunk in my hair anyhow)
If that fails, I will bring back a biblical liturgy complete with scripture reading, confession, prayer, grace giving and more work and active-worship for all of you in the audience. In short, I will make you a working congregation once again. No more passive by-stander status. (thought that would put you in your place)
7-Can you say “Talent and Style”? Besides the latest fashion statements, in the past we have had, let’s just say, less than excellent skill-level on our performance stage. Further, when we need a Jay-Z or Beyonce’ inspired rendition, not everyone in the worship band can rise to such impeccable, holistic music. And not just any church can be blessed with great music like “8 Letters” and do it for Jesus. But our new DJ—Hey—No problemo!
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There you have it. Now please help me give a warm DJ ready welcome to our new position. PASTOR OF PRAISE JOCKEY (applause here) We are accepting resumes as of today. Preference will be given to minority status, victimized individuals who have been beaten down by bullying and prejudice.
Robbed of your participation trophy?—This will help you.
Extra points are added for those marginalized by social stigmas like homophobia, trans-phobia, aborto-phobia and Nationalism-phobia. (Non-Socialists need not apply) “Christian” profession not necessary. We prefer “Spiritual but non-religious.”
I have spoken with the Praise Me Band members who will be moving on to lesser churches. We are giving them a generous severance package and well-wishes. (they are still livid)
Can you say, “Amen”?
openhandspublications.com 