small satellite church
January 4, 2018
Not to be outdone by the Rock of Seven Signs Church, the Spring of Holy Clover Church (just two miles away) is offering all new members time shares at 50% off. That’s right. A steady, weekly offering of just $300.00 or more to the “ministry” means that you and your family have a privileged status like that of the stars of Hollywood. This small investment also assures that you have enough “St. John Club Points” to visit, worship, and stay for free overnight in any one of our 6 smaller satellite churches.
What else does this mean to you? Suppose you arrive late for the worship concert (again) and someone else is in your seat (again)? No worries. Here’s what you get:
–special guaranteed seating section with your own usher
–no offering plates allowed
–food and drink allowed—(designer coffee served between praise songs while hands are down)
–individual lounge style seat with its own audio-visual system
–free guitar and special autograph session with the praise-me band after the service
–your own room overlooking the construction site for the new 80,000 seat concert worship hall.
–relax by the pool or stroll the lanes at our new bowling / game center
–helicopter ride tour:
You will fly over the Sr. Pastors mansion and be allowed to take pictures.
You will land in his rose garden promenade and be allowed to smell his roses.
His servants will then escort you back to the helicopter.
Many of you are asking about reward points. Good question. The answer is yes. For each faithful offering you make, you can be assured that all our ministers are telling the Lord just how good you are. (making points with the man upstairs) We are also making it a point to reward your giving with even more refined services in the future. After you reach the 100,000 “Divine Mary” reward point range, we bring the Holy Communion service to you on a personal and private basis. Any one of our “authorized, certified and anointed ministers” will grace you with their presence after the house-servants have brought you fleece lined slippers, monogramed robe, and hot, steamed, sanitized wash cloths for your preparation. The Sr. Executive chef, Henri-Paul Escoffier III, has authorized a bold Chablis for you, deemed suitable with the gluten-free wafers that have been touched and blessed by our own Right Reverend—Twice Most Certainly Holy—Bishop Crooksly Ocleen.
The Just-Kind-of-Reverend, daughter Debbie Snoot Ocleen—church representative, minister and official spokesperson, had this final word: “This is nothing to sneeze at. See if the Rock of Seven Signs Church can beat all this!”
Glenn W. Harrell, reporter and authorized time share professional — Call Me. Let’s do lunch!