Christian Radical Extremists Stopped Just in Time
A band of radicalized Christian students were rounded up and held for questioning today.
As a compassionate, objective, unbiased News Media, we weren’t going to mention the word “Christian” for fear that all Christians might experience hate crimes. But since Christians are fair game these days, we gladly tell you this story.
Authorities had been monitoring the social media accounts of this group for some time after concerns were called in anonymously. Traffic in and out of their houses and excessive laughter heightened concerns in the neighborhood. Loud music and parties as late as 10:00 at night confirmed their fears of bad intent. One neighbor spoke out on behalf of several by-standers,
“I had heard that these people were Christian radicals, and in part, I believe they are just because of the rumor. We never saw them doing anything wrong, but we aren’t surprised. We hope they have enough jail time to learn from this.”
Two of the teen students had traveled out of country to a “Christian mission camp” where they are believed to have been radicalized. The parents knew of the trips and let them go anyhow. When asked why they were so negligent the adults would only say, “We’re sorry for the way this was reported and how it has turned out.”
Training materials were found in each of the homes, as well as their own back-packs.
The following items were confiscated and (charges noted):
8-bibles (intent to distribute)
100+ gospel tracts (intent to distribute)
40-gift certificates to local food establishments (intent to distribute)
6-letters from home assuring them of prayers from family and friends (intent to encourage)
4-“Do not remove by penalty of law” tags from mattresses and pillows. (just plain lawless)
1-letter critical of the NFL players who refuse to stand for the flag and anthem. (intent to criticize)
1-letter to the SCOTUS and the president asking that the SSM and abortion rulings be reversed to “halt our moral landslide.” (practicing Democracy and signed by each youth)
1-Memory verse from the bible encouraging people to “love their enemies”. (intent to memorize hate speech and quoting Jesus)
Shockingly, videos were found of a “hyper-radicalized” Christian student not only drinking two day-expired milk but deceiving others into drinking it as well.
The remaining extremist Christian gang members were questioned and released. Each of them had been influenced but were stopped before any damage could be done. Upon leaving the police station they were heard reciting their memory verse, “Love your enemies”. Authorities will be watching them, protecting the citizens of this town and our country.
Meanwhile, in other news, Muslim radicals were unfairly jailed today after burning and looting a business. They reported that the owner was heard making a disparaging comment about Mohammed and the Qur’an. There were many who saw and heard the skirmish, but none were willing to testify. The store owner was given the option of a public apology or jail time. One city councilman stated,
“These non-Muslims must learn that Islam is a peaceful religion. But Allah is a sensitive, somewhat weakly god. He gets his feelings hurt very easily and he needs the human protection of all who will give it–even if violence is required.
Criticize Jesus and the Christians all you want. They will love you in return and their God is not some wimp who needs anyone to take up for Him. Burn their bible if you must, it is just paper–but leave Allah alone.”
Three “moderate” Muslims reportedly spoke up for the business owner and criticized the “terrorists” for their actions. We searched for these individuals, but they could not be found.