Local Chimp Community in Turmoil

Lady Glee     photo, courtesy of the Swing Scientific Journal Somewhere on the Asian continent– 3,000,005 BP (Before the present)

Lady Glee is clinging to the hope that she and her female counterparts will get the equal treatment they deserve.

But her community activism has landed her in jail. Male chimps, on average, and according to a study by the Swing Scientific Journal, earn 4 bananas to every three of the female for the same performance. This will not be tolerated.

Yet, the Chimp Law Court insists that the males are more fit, more deserving and not to mention, stronger. Therefore, they chose to deny this unwelcome demand from Lady Glee and her followers.

Claiming rights under Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, Lady Glee states,

“Though I never met Mr. Darwin, I believe he is correct and therefore, I have no obligation to the law of the land. I demand my evolutionary rights as supreme.” When pressed for her beliefs about Darwin, Glee said, “I just think he is very handsome, and I wish that we could have met in person. Perhaps I will someday.”

Darwin baby photo not original, for illustration only

The lawyer for the Male Chimp population issued this statement on their behalf,

“We too believe in evolution and that Darwin was a very handsome creature. But, if we as a species are to survive, reproduce and not evolve into human beings, we must be strong–and this includes keeping our females in check.”

It seems that both sides are playing poor Mr. Darwin to a middle that doesn’t exist.

They only want to use his theory, SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, to their own advantage. Hey, now it makes sense.

 

Outside the courtroom, it is a free-for-all. One well thought out chimp poster reads,

“We are dignified products of evolution and we demand justice. Wait a minute—dignity and justice do not exist in natural selection. This is a monkey court!”

Meanwhile, two chimps, sitting in a tree, are discussing how murder, greed, and the like are punished, and how such retribution contradicts the very nature of those animals in transition to survival by superiority. How then can a trial and a prison exist? None of the other species are doing this. Dolphins eat their young without punitive gesture. Lions escape moral judgement when they take down the antelope for their own survival. The fittest of the ad hock chimp tribunal opined,

“Therefore, in the name of ‘progressive evolution’, we chimps everywhere demand that Lucy go free. When reduced to an animal whose only purpose is to survive at any cost, there is no justification for punishing any behavior or glorifying any action as being morally superior, one to another. Therefore, morality becomes a moot point–a mere subjective opinion.

I will behave how I please thank you, and you do not matter to me. I matter most to me and if I chose to do anything good for you, it must benefit me first. Man, you gotta love this evolution-fittest stuff. If humans do follow us, I hope they remember this lesson. Thanks Darwin.”

glee

According to records in the primate museum of Mesopotamia, Lady Glee never won her court battle. She escaped prison time, but she developed a bad case of gender dysphoria and identified as a male panda bear. And little could she know that a mere 2,987,001 years later, a singing group would form in her honor. Her favorite song would become “Imagine” by the Beatles, in the hearts and minds of Darwin lovers everywhere.                                                                           Glenn Harrell, reporting

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