Saint Paul the Divine Walk a Straight Line Church adds wine to their menu. (coffee was a dismal failure) 210 AD


MACEDONIA– Just three days after the Council of Vine, the church decided to bring in the juice of the grape for parishioners to enjoy each week. “Local wine growers are ecstatic” remarks Dorcas, chairwoman of the wine growers’ association and director of family ministries there at SPDWSLC Church. The church is adding a 30,000 sq. feet addition on the building, just for wine sales, uh, I mean outreach ministry.

Their newly adopted theme for the year is—


That slogan beat out the second runner up, “GOT WINE?”

Coming in last, “If We Build It, They Will Come.”


Sirius Juan Valdez, president of the coffee growers’ association, angrily commented,

“You all haven’t heard the last of this! Who will pay back the thirty Tyrian Shekels we’ve invested?”


“Anticipate seeing a 70% increase in wine sales and that is rrreally something to rejoice in the Lord about”, remarks Euterpe, director of the women’s auxiliary and wife of a local wine producer. “We are also hoping that a matched 70% increase in church attendance will be realized, and this is our true motivation for increasing our wine sales. — honest.”


SPDWSLC Evangelism director, Pandora, believes that the inrush of Romans, Greeks, Barbarians and Scythians will fill the church building, bringing a new excitement yet seen in the church of Jesus Christ. She remarked, “Eyes have not seen, nor ears heard, nor taste buds burst, nor palate felt such wonder, as we shall experience in our churches now that wine is welcomed.”


Construction manager of the newly designed wine addition extension building, remarked in a casual interview, “I don’t know anything about what these people believe, but they sure have good taste!”


Psyche from Crete was on the new satellite campus construction site to learn more about this hot new trend. She now plans to present the idea to her congregation upon her return to Crete. Her trip will be somewhat delayed as her camel has a bruised hoof and needs time to heal.


The Elders of the SPDWSLC could not be reached for comment. We followed our ears, however, to a room filled with exuberant laughter. From under the door, someone slipped us a note that read,

“St. Paul told young Timothy to drink wine for his stomach and we plan to make good on that.”


Coffee is out, and more wine will flow in more churches it appears. How else might they have any hope of remaining relevant to lost people in their communities? How else can the gospel have any chance of perpetuation? Finally, there is hope.

–Lankada Harrell reporting. Back to you Cephas.

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