Male Methodist pastors are crying foul as Patricia (now Pat) Lapanough delivers emotion-laden, tear jerking, tender-love speeches that have women and men swooning in Methodist churches all over the world. But now, nature-given female superiority over men in the realms of emotional expression, speech and pastoral care is creating conflict.
THE MALE METHODIST PASTORS CONFERENCE ISSUED A STATEMENT:
“She is clearly better by nature than us men who are slow to speak. It is not fair that she can pretend to be a he and take us all down. Women can speak six words to our one and make-up doesn’t help us at all. We sound and look like rank amateurs next to her. We are as Moses and she is Aaron.”
The loquacious Lapanough discovered that she was really a male before her 2nd birthday. At first, she thought she was a puppy dog, then a cat, then an iguana, but with the assistance of her mom and a caring pharmaceutical representative, the final result was, “I’m a boy”.
Taking advantage of the female propensity for being attractive, good with words and politics, she began writing sermons at the age of 4. The sermon that pushed her ahead of the slow-to-speech, mostly male (white-blatantly patriarchal) competition as winner of the prestigious John Wesley Hermeneutics Award was titled, “Jesus Loves Puppies Too” and was written when she was just 10 years of age—a true prodigy!
When asked if she felt that her title was unfairly won, she replied,
“First of all, I am a man—a he and not a she. Next, tell those men to work smarter and harder. They’ll have to if they plan to preach instead of me at next year’s new, proud, and progressive Methodist USA denominational gathering.”
At the time of this writing, Patricia (Pat) had ceased her male hormone treatments because she was experiencing logical and rational thinking. Most disturbingly, she was leaving the toilet seat up, scratching inappropriately, leaving socks on the floor, channel surfing, no longer crying to Adele, and refusing to gossip.