Declining main-Line churches find a new savior?

Southern Baptist leaders, along with several other declining denominations are touting their new pick for revival, renewal and restoration. After multiple church member surveys, numerous churches have made the decision to replace both hymnal and pew bibles with copies of Roberts Rules of Order.

Lifeway representatives, based upon extensive research and survey, assured churches of immediate growth and participation. President Con Fidential stated,

“We discovered that more church members could quote Roberts Rules than any bible verse from any version of the bible. Therefore, we believe that the new discipleship model must be found in the motion, second and paragraph of the week.”

He went on to say, “We have already begun publishing monthly devotion guides, worship inserts, song books and exciting quotes. Did I mention that Lifeway has published their own version and it is on sale?”

82 year old Methodist mainliner, Cobb Cornwell offered this wisdom upon hearing the good news of replacing the scriptures,

 “Immediately, I think of all the church fights, squabbles and closed church doors we could have avoided if more people would have studied and used Robert’s Rules of Order.  And, it also remains to be seen what could have happened if the people all knew and revered the scriptures.”

Praise Band leader, Edgar Ego remarked,

“It’s a bit hard to create a rhyme with Robert’s, but I asked our drummer to put a lot of the new songs in 5/4 so we didn’t think so much about that. I really feel that when we get a good beat goin and everyone is feeling the Holy Ghost groove, and our outfits are glowing, it won’t matter what the words are. At least that how we’ve been doing it all along for years now.”

 

What else will it do for the gathering to worship? 

Change the Lord’s Supper Table for one. New meaning:

  • Lay on the Table: Temporarily suspends further consideration/action on pending question; may be made after motion to close debate has carried or is pending
  • Take from the Table: Resumes consideration of item previously “laid on the table” – state the motion to take from the table

 

Amen becomes Amend:

  • Amend: Inserting or striking out words or paragraphs, or substituting whole paragraphs or resolutions

 

Here is the new version of the Great Commission:

  • Postpone Indefinitely: Kills the question/resolution for this session – exception: the motion to reconsider can be made this session

 

The Law office of Dewy, Cheatem and Howe says,

“Man are we excited about this shift in Christendom. The bible, as nice and all as it is, is not much of a legal document, and we feel that Robert’s can put the church in order where the bible has failed. We know that men will stand boldly and affirm Roberts by memory—can’t say the same for the bible my friends”

 

All 600 remaining Episcopalians are enthralled to have the new Word for mankind.

“Finally a document that is easy to read and so much easier to deny than the bible. Robert’s may be firm, but at least it is not misogynistic, patriarchal, homophobic, full of errors and hateful like the bible. We highly recommend the RRO to Methodists who soon need to make correct decisions about truth.”

 

 Leave it to the Orthodox community to deny the need for modern and secular:

“We all believe that the bible remains our standard and guide for all things Christian and we plan to continue using it along with worthy texts and tunes from all generations that we might sing.”—

 

The word on the street is—Get your Roberts Rules of Order Today while they last! Grow your church like never before”

Lifeway is offering a Two-fer-One Sale through August.

Not sold on TV

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