A Friendly Roast for Jesus? On the Way to Greatness

Pop Star worship remains a huge business with no shortage of “players” wanting in on the action. Basically, if you want to be a star in the music and entertainment business, you must follow the rules.

 Rule #1  Be cute

Rule #2  Be cute to 12-21 year old girls with the money

Rule #3  Be somewhat talented and coachable and very cute

And, if you can’t cut it in the “real world” of entertainment where the big bucks are, then all we ask is that you give Jesus a try. I know, it sounds a bit boorish and simpleton. But hear me out. If you can work past the bible, spiritual character, people pretending to have spiritual character, decency in appearance, drug and alcohol free (not alcohol for free–calm down), buildings and stages that look like they were designed for something other than concerts (we can fix this) —

If you can look deep within and see your potential as a performing artist, I hope you can catch this vision. WHY?

 Because church people are basically starved for a better performance than they have been accustomed. They have tolerated the long haired pipe organ, choir and hymnbook, and Dr. Sominex sermon long enough. They are waiting for you! You don’t even have to be that good to impress them. You would be like Bruno Mars following say, uh, uh, you!

Not impressed yet? THEY have the money! Thought I’d get your attention. Let’s keep looking at your potential.

 

A QUESTIONAIRE FOR THE ASPIRING PRAISE AND WORSHIP LEADER IN THE MODERN EVANGELICAL CHURCH

 Do YOU have all the goods? Inventory: Strat or Les Paul—check. Marshall amp—check. Pedal board with 12 pedal minimum—check. Custom mold in-ear monitors—check. Perfect hair (eye liner works wonders)—check. Perfect jeans (4 hole minimum)—check. Jesus jewelry—check. Hot, cute band—check. Adoring fan base–check. PR manager—check. Media pages—check.

Now then, make all those countless hours watching You Tube performances of “Guitar for Dummies” pay off. You almost look like Hozier singing “Take Me to Church”–almost.  Look, just put “Jesus” in for “girl”–mod a few words here and there… What am I talking about; don’t change a thing. These church people are so starved for a superior performance, they won’t even notice your text. (just remember to give Hozier credit)

 

Never mind that this worship concert for “Jesus” is like having a roast for Jesus.

All the special guests (Praise-me band members) show up with cute things to say about him but the attention never really goes to him. The show was perfect. The pretense was astonishing but cannot hope to compare with the glory of this performance you gave. We are so impressed. We are calling the producer for you. If you can’t see your own genius, well, we can and we won’t stand for your lack of vision and your thumb nosing attitude toward success and greatness.

We have you covered my friend. Please remember your supporters when you soon enter Rock and Roll Kingdom. (just how soon we are not at liberty to say) All we ask for is two back stage passes at your next “worship service” and your signature on an old napkin used at your last supper. (P.S.–your light show was like WOW!)

What’s that? Your conscience is bothering you about upstaging Jesus and aggrandizing your life over His glory? You keep reading Blogs by others who also want to know “What’s Wrong with Evangelical Worship?” –and you see a common thread? Well quit reading and quit thinking.

Yes, it feels uncomfortable. Yes it makes you feel wrong inside. But stop it!

We can’t have you getting all spiritual on us. Yes, everyone around you is fending off the same “what’s-wrong-ness”.

Some are going to tell you to listen to your conscience but don’t do it. A lot of people need you to be successful my friend. Now pull yourself together and give us some more of those great guitar licks for Jesus with the finest tube amp tone possible. Be passionate and creative! Make Jesus smile. (There’s a new song waiting to happen)

_____________________________________

Today’s modern rock concert “worship” is like Gamblers Anonymous gathering in Las Vegas for their “Freedom from Gambling Rally.”  And try not to be distracted by this this:

Those who do the roasting have fun but the one being roasted has the last word.

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